We all want the light bulb moment. We want the Aha. We want the epiphany.
We want to be awakened to knowledge, understandings, knowings.
This is a thing of dreams.
Time teaches us that epiphanies are myths, adult foolery for the meek.
Critical realizations, that is our truth.
It is earned in meditation, quiet, contemplative thought.
This is rarely a sudden thing, unforeseen.
It is energy we block from our consciousness until we are ready to unravel it.
This is wisdom that is earned with every human experience: disappointment, insult, loss, victory…
It is not the ramblings of rebellious teenagers.
It is not the musings of an immature brain raging with idealized or utopian notions.
It is nurtured with prayer and therapy.
Bouncing-off like pop-rock candy I react, with the aliveness of a million synapses firing.
The jolt is miraculous as the realization comes into focus.
I search the thought looking for connections, meaning.
Frustration gives way to boredom and I drift losing it time and again moving it from cognitive understanding to something else, something bigger.
Finally they arrive.
It is ok if your parents don’t love you or don’t love you in a way that you needed, expected.
Maybe they were not affectionate, didn’t guide you,-left you to your own devices.
It is ok if they did not see you, made you invisible.
Love them anyway. It will be difficult.
It is ok if you are the outlier.
You don’t have to look, act or think like others.
Carry on. It will be difficult
It is ok if relationships are difficult for you.
Friendship and intimacy are important aspects of the human experience work for them. It will be difficult.
Hurt is difficult to process, especially when you have never witnessed it, seen it modeled.
Learning to develop healthy coping mechanism will always be difficult for you.
For some of us, the world is difficult to navigate.
We are on frequencies that are attuned to many, many stations.
We observe too much. We feel too much. We care too much. What we want is idealized. Not real.
So.
We search. We withdraw. We think and pray for more critical realizations.
We work hard to unravel fears that mask inabilities for connection, vulnerability, trust.
I share this not because I have learned all these lessons but because I know that they are the ones I have not yet mastered!
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